poetry and prose

a brain that is always against me 

self destruct romanticization 

built around the comforting idea

of dying

pull the trigger 

watch me fade away 

black and white 

it’s never anything else 

always the same 

i hate you or i love you 

i just wanted to disappear 

asking the divine 

why i’m even here 

constructed with a cursed sense of being 

i am never going to find that sense of belonging 

it’s all a distraction 

a breath of air to keep me going 

back to the familiar 

the pain of hurting my own body

repeat repeat repeat 

i never asked to be this way

cursed with this body, this soul and this brain

i hate her 

which is why im slowly killing her 

peoples infatuation with me 

is simply because of the fact 

that they don’t actually know me 

i’ll die alone and i’ll have chosen that path 

surrounded by the 

white noise 

the pain of the present and the past 

lock me up 

suffocate me 

drown me in my agony 

at least i’ll be done with the life i never even wanted. 

EMILY ROSE

i want you touch me below my skin 

feel the depths of my soul 

and unravel the deep secrets i’ve folded away within

i want to know you beyond 

your favorite drink or if you take your coffee with cream

i want to know the folds of your mind 

who you are in every life 

deep feelings and falling fast for 

endless conversations 

to love you for who you are 

in every little moment 

kiss me slowly 

savor every single second 

follow me into the unknown 

romanticize a pinky promise 

or a gentle caress of your hand on my cheek 

i will bare my soul to you 

my love 

if you’ll only promise to be gentle with me 

i’ve searched for you in poetry books,

art crafted by the creators of the worlds 

most beautiful pieces

you are every instrumental love song 

a slow dance in a crowded pub 

or a soft kiss in the rain

i want to be loved by only you 

and the world can say im nothing if not a fool

but right when i met you, i just knew. 

EMILY ROSE

i have spent a life feeling like i don’t

fit anywhere 

surrounded by the same city

the same state 

and trapping myself in different walls 

healing from pains 

i should’ve never had cursed upon me 

but that’s not the conversation we’re having

i’d never searched to find places 

that i felt alive in

and i know i shall return 

and mourn the city 

i could finally breathe in 

searching for comfort in places 

and people 

i was never meant to reside in

some visit for the views 

to say they’ve had 

the tourist experience 

but i am soul searching 

finding pieces of myself 

in brand new places 

becoming more comfortable 

with just existing 

the discomfort of 

abandoning my premature sense of knowing 

but i don’t have all the answers

and i don’t want to.

EMILY ROSE

as i loved, i consumed.

i found myself 

throwing my morals away for more room 

forgetting who i was if i ever really knew 

pretending i was whole 

while chipping away 

at the pieces of me i knew to be my own 

it crushed me completely 

because it was all i was

left to my own devices 

the sick coping mechanisms 

i learned along the way 

but when i found myself alone 

i realized i was lost

a stranger in my own space 

in my head 

and in my body 

searching for familiarity 

but she was an unfamiliar reflection 

with a disappointing realization 

that she was only the sum of the humans she consumed 

coming home to her 

has been a bloody mess

a painful but peaceful path 

back to where it started 

deeply rooted in the space 

i once called home 

defense mechanisms that were designed to 

prevent further damage 

only manifested as something 

much more catastrophic 

sort-of-kind-of-me, a version i no longer see 

unlearning nineteen years 

while forgiving the pain that got me here 

i should thank her but 

she’s the villain in so many stories 

i release her to the universe 

but i hug her goodbye 

thank you for getting me here. 

but it’s time to live my own life. 

EMILY ROSE

six strings I was given by a man, 

a man to whom I had thought frowned upon me

thought I could've been more but never less

and if I spoke I knew my place

mysogny was all over his face

but when he gave me those 

6 strings

it changed my view on everything

pejudice to passion

from being condesending to kindness

all I'd ever known from him was 

soft paper and tangy fruit 

left outside my door

could that man actually just not 

understand me

EMILY ROSE

i can already hear him lecturing me about staying up

i crave the night though

it anticipates the next day 

if i went to bed at a reasonable time i would hardly have time to think 

staying awake when the world is asleep 

it’s peaceful.

what happens in the am 

is quiet and composed 

although you’ll never see 

it’s when i struggle the most 

it’s supposed to be quiet but i find it quite loud 

it’s just my own my thoughts i hear running around 

the moon light shines through my window in the corner 

i remember the days i wished for the sun

the bright was comforting and collected 

but now the cold dark blue sky is more of a comfort then anything could ever be

it’s relatable. it’s soft and doesn’t make me choose. 

what happens in the am

they don’t have a clue

EMILY ROSE

old time movies and simple life, i wish the world was in black and white 

not that color isn’t beautiful but isn’t it comforting to see what’s simply there 

i never liked grey areas

tell me what needs to be fixed and i’ll do it even if it comes to changing me 

but living in a world with color can be confusing

i never know what people mean

are they expressive or just conflicted

am i helping or just insensitive 

in a world of people being whoever they want 

where do i fit in this spectrum of love

i wish the world was in black and white

EMILY ROSE

it's not that they find me insuferable

but it just might be inevtiable

to be a distraction piece

even the smallest things find me

they become my aquaintance along this journey

i find it so funny, this little routine my mind likes to play

"god complex, you hate yourself"

its so infuriating, isn't it? 

feeling like i am on top of the world

to the absolute bottom of it all

blance is something I seem to lack, but oh well

it can't be true

can it? 

EMILY ROSE

they came fresh and smelled like heaven 

but over time they became saddened

for the life they’ve grown to live

but like a song played 

over and over

it lost its sweet therapeutic tune

now it’s simply replayed into a boring 

original melody 

something of a remake to a classic tv show 

trying to make other people fit the mold

but it just can’t live up to the original 

day by day 

week by week

the flowers slowly start to die

color sucked from the leaves of their souls 

and the life drained from their roots

the flowers are wilting, and so are you.

EMILY ROSE

even though it wont be the same

and even though we grow apart

the love shall live on forever 

memories locked away 

in a little box

with small details of all that was 

and a promise to a friend

that no matter where they are in this world 

the love will continue to grow 

that there may be passing of time 

or an infinite number of possibilities to happen

but i,

i will find peace in knowing our lives still co exist

even if. 

EMILY ROSE

i remember staying up with you

holding onto every word you said 

it was special and had a purpose to 

our story 

now i stay up and i reminisce the conversations 

asking myself 

where did i go wrong? what could i have done? 

late at night when i can’t sleep 

i replay the moments i still can’t 

comprehend 

i pick which image i’ll try to 

portray the next day 

am i at peace. 

am i angry. 

am i hurt. 

i am only trying to understand 

i am confused and it is 2am. 

EMILY ROSE

pick me apart 

convince me to change who i am

find my corner pieces 

put me together

spend hours trying to make me fit 

and once you’re done with me

take me apart

put me back in the box 

and put me away.

EMILY ROSE

do you remember the story 

of tangy fruit 

and soft paper 

on my doorstep

the man to whom i thought frowned upon me…

well i was wrong.

those 6 strings 

were the key 

to opening my heart 

to see 

what he truly thought of me.

now that man is gone 

and if i could change one thing

i’d say

i love you 

one. 

more.

time.

i have a list of 

“i wish i would have..”

and none of them 

make your heart start beating again 

i see you in the 6 strings you gave me

and i promise i won’t disappoint you. 

EMILY ROSE

i used to write about the most 

dreadful things 

but never about 

the glass half full

so here’s a change 

a twitch 

of hope 

all the good that’s

yet come:

today the sun smiled a little extra 

as i drove home from work 

at 8pm i thought of them 

and said no, i won’t let it hurt 

today i felt at peace 

a feeling not so familiar 

it doesn’t blend with the pain but begs to be seen

so far so good

it gets better

i think :)

EMILY ROSE

i watched the ball drop

welcoming twenty-twenty three

but if i’m being honest 

twenty two 

left me with enough that it spilled over into 

the new year 

instead of kissing a lover 

i wondered where they were 

and instead of the excitement 

i usually feel

i am dreading waking up tomorrow and calling it 

january first 

i didn’t make any cliche resolutions 

for this new year 

i’m still caught on processing the ones

i created last year 

so with my makeup done 

and my hair looking the best it can

i scream and shout with my closest friends

and i say to them 

oh how i love a new year’s celebration.

EMILY ROSE

it is both a blessing 

and a curse 

to feel things so deeply 

she picks apart herself in pictures

but not because of

how she looks

but because of the 

emotional depth 

she feels 

and no one else does 

she is living proof you can be both 

intense and care free

that deeply rooted in her soul

she is different 

but she likes it 

there is a level of intensity that she craves 

and a stream of joyful energy she 

equally longs for 

there is balance in the two 

they perfectly co exist in 

her complex mind 

oh how she longs for it to be simpler. 

EMILY ROSE

late at night 

when nothing makes sense 

i walk into the kitchen 

and the fridge light is all 

i use to see 

i grab countless 

carbs 

and 

saturated fats 

hoping it’ll fill the hole 

in my stomach and in my soul 

knowing well enough 

it won’t 

it’ll simply fill me up enough 

to lay down and feel 

nauseous 

because i ate too much

or because nothing makes sense

i used to have a wonderful relationship 

with food

now we’re hardly friends during the day 

and we’re closer at night 

that’s why i keep the image dim 

and i only use the fridge light 

EMILY ROSE

i finally decided 

i’m happy that you’re gone

it pleases me to feel

the release 

of all the pain 

and the constant conflict 

it inflicted on my brain 

from wanting you 

to hating you 

to seeing you 

and craving you 

then remembering everything again

it was like an infinity sign except 

it wasn’t like in books where 

you’re in constant connection

it was a miserable pattern that wrapped itself with cheap wrapping paper and called itself 

a gift 

well don’t judge a book by it’s cover 

because internally 

there’s always so much more 

a complicated pattern i seemed to ignore 

until i realized i was all tied up

and this infinity sign 

was sheer dumb luck 

so i found better habits in realizing this 

the infinity sign was just 

a bad habit. 

EMILY ROSE

i won’t delete the messages 

or throw away that silly note 

i keep the cup 

as a symbol 

for the fact 

there might still be hope

if i were to come down from the clouds 

and back to reality 

i could finally see 

the truth 

i only 

keep them 

to reminisce 

to comfort my 

heartbroken brain 

in hopes i’ll finally understand 

why she did what she did that day 

but in all truth and honesty 

i know it’s a just a 

dead end 

i’ll draw the same conclusions 

and i’ll never change the past 

i think it’s time 

to finally change 

leaving her, 

the cup

and the silly note 

and finally that part of my heart 

she conveniently broke 

all in the graveyard 

that is “lessons learned and loved…”

EMILY ROSE

i heard someone ask 

what love is good for today

and i almost replied 

nothing

in response to the 

daunting question  

but it was a 

strike of breath from my mouth 

when i came to my 

epiphany 

love is more then heartbreak 

it is more then just loving a 

romantic partner 

it is the flowers that grow in the garden 

it is the friends i’ve grown to admire over the years 

see love is way the sun smiles every morning 

and it is so much deeper then 

i had realized 

my favorite form of love

comes in sunsets and daisies 

not a word that’s thrown in between sentences 

so what’s it good for? 

absolutely everything. 

EMILY ROSE

i’m not a stranger to writing 

about how i feel 

but there isn’t a thought when

i think of her

there’s merely a feeling that lingers

for awhile 

a simple reminder 

it’s her life 

and mine 

that were quietly co existing 

in hopes she liked me too 

but now there’s not a moment 

or any passing of time 

that i don’t wish to see her 

to know more of who she is 

she’s my favorite thing 

and favorite thought 

and she is simply one of a kind :)

EMILY ROSE

i am no longer angry 

nor am i reminiscing in the past

or wishing i could change the result- 

i’m no longer feeling tears fall down my face 

or wishing i wasn’t here 

and so i celebrate…

but what you don’t know

is that i am celebrating the life 

i had lived. 

and that was before. 

now we are 

mourning 

the sweet girl we all 

once knew.

we visit her

and hold onto the memory 

of who she once was

and the life she so shortly lived  

they all leave flowers at a grave sight 

for someone who used to love to watch them grow but like the flowers she too had wilted

so it was just easier to let go. 

EMILY ROSE

everyone is capable of hurting you 

the initial infatuation 

is inevitable 

and you must remember 

it’s only a haze 

a filter over the 

wants and needs 

of all who search for connection

i promise you’ll find something 

that will leave you untouched

but first you’ll be passed around 

by lies

and by trust 

but soon you’ll be pushed into something 

brand new 

and you’ll find yourself wondering 

just who

your soul happened to fall into 

like a break of pattern 

you’ve grown comfortable to

don’t be shocked

just soak it in

this 

i can promise you 

will not be surface level

infatuation. 

EMILY ROSE

nowhere and no one

feels like home 

so i sit in this room

just me, all alone 

and i feel that feeling 

and i hear that thought 

that if i just left 

the world would be better off 

that there’s nothing 

not anything 

that can help me with this 

no drugs, no drinks

hell not even 

therapy 

so i’m here again 

and i feel it getting worse 

there’s nothing to grab onto when it gets like this

so i clutch on 

the mental illness 

that comforted me once 

it’s not good but

it’s home

or at least the one i built for myself 

when there was no one 

EMILY ROSE

there was never an equation for loving

and poetry is what i use to cope 

i search for answers in the pages 

of others words 

hoping to console 

the scattered parts of 

my heart and my brain

i’m madly in love with the mixed signals 

and i’m completely enveloped in the ache 

that i’ve grown heartlessly acquainted with

but at the end of the lesson

all i am is confused 

it’s a math class i never really got used to 

i never learned in equations 

or in numbers or graphs

and see it drives me to panic 

i’ve got the routine down to my own kind of math

x equals nothing 

and i’ll never figure it out 

x equals nothing 

and i’m more confused then when i first started out . 

EMILY ROSE

some days i’m there 

and some days i’m not

i am physically present 

but i am just a body

there is nothing about me 

that locks into reality 

i’m there one second 

and the next i’m in a room 

all by myself

and it’s quiet 

and dark 

i’m without

but snap me into place 

because it’s all catching up

i’ll have to learn how to balance  

being within and without. 

EMILY ROSE

i miss when high school was 

about who you had a crush on

and if i was going to the football game 

on friday night 

now it’s about if 

i can make it through the year 

with passing grades 

and tolerate 

the construction of my brain 

and figure out why i can’t comprehend 

the effect of a 

late grade 

no instructor 

can save me 

from the blood rush 

of there not being enough time

there’s no 504 

for the depressed kids

and there’s no scale 

to measure the capabilities of someone 

who’s mind can’t work the same 

i mean you can try 

to recognize the 

effort that’s built from 

scraps of hope 

piles of recycled paper 

from failed assignments 

and empty tests 

all to prove

that, i’m just exhausted. 

EMILY ROSE

i am grey 

i am all the colors of everybody else

but mixed together 

i am just grey 

the epitome of 

an imposter 

and oddly 

it’s my biggest fear

i am not me 

i am the forced product of another 

a washed out version of others 

and a watered down version of 

the brightest rainbow you’ve ever seen 

my admiration to others 

is a backfired attempt 

to get others to realize 

i see them- see me too. 

i am desperate for 

unique separation 

for said- 

admiration 

and an observer 

of others 

and their special interests 

i am in awe of the humans i see

and i don’t just want to be like them 

i want to be me

but who am i

if not the spitting image 

of a washed out version 

begging to be seen.

EMILY ROSE

Description goes herefor once 

for more than five minutes 

until they get to know me, i will be the cool girl

i will be fun and fresh 

til i’m worn and old 

and become past news that no one knows-

like a brand new shirt that 

loses its shine 

or a fresh pair of denim

washed a million times 

you will love me til you know me 

and that’s the complication 

to why i cancel plans 

and i can’t share with you the secrets 

that you just won’t understand 

so i’ll allow you to like this 

surface me 

the one you think is 

cool and fun 

not the one who’s 

worn and undone 

i like the version 

who’s chill and relaxed 

who excites and makes the people laugh

she is who i like you to see 

and she is, sort-of-kind-of me. 

EMILY ROSE

ask me

and i will tell you 

i will rip out my tongue

if it dares to lie 

and ill forbid my heart to ever shy

from being anything but true 

i’m just exhausted 

of my brain 

feeling 

so damn blind 

like no one really knows me

because even 

my best friends 

didn’t bat an eye-

it’s so easy for people to just 

believe 

but it always makes me question 

do they even really know me?

am i company 

for a good laugh 

or a fun way 

for time to pass 

they’ll believe all the 

bad things 

without even asking me first 

do you have any idea 

those aren’t even my words. 

that’s not who i was

and that’s not who i am 

but you can believe whatever you please 

but just know

you could’ve always asked me.

EMILY ROSE

my gpa is supposed to be 

a proper determination 

of what i really know 

im smart 

but not where it statistically counts 

and i’m so deep with my feelings 

but on paper im just dumb 

and maybe this is my 

downfall

the fact that 

my memory is so god damn shallow 

and my academic insecurity is 

swallowing me from the inside out 

but people perceive as so put together 

and that’s a concept in itself 

maybe i’m all just feelings 

not an ounce of knowledge in my brain 

i guess i could help you find slope 

and follow it along to see how i fell

all on my own 

EMILY ROSE

am i a fool for thinking we are going to have children 

was i a fool when i wrote you love letters 

addressing them to my wife 

was i a fool when i read sapphic poetry 

and felt seen by the torturous 

almost happy endings 

they called me a romantic 

a girl with a love like mine

but they never knew the capacity my brain had

to destroy that same love 

self-sabotaging 

i must hardly know the definition of it

it’s only insanity if you do it again and again 

hoping for a 

different 

result

but my results i expected to be the same 

i found comfort in going back to that 

sick angry part of my brain

a human cannot be capable of

understanding me

so complex they must only dare to 

grow around me 

for if someone’s love is a garden 

i might just be a weed that blends in the greens

growing in the darkness

but not really a flower 

once seen, being plucked 

by its once proclaimed lovers 

hopelessly devoted to hating itself 

confused on where it happened to grow 

it’s like a beautifully written letter 

that never got sent 

and not because post was too expensive 

or i didn’t have an envelope 

but because i prepared it

and watched as i never sent it

collecting dust as the days felt longer 

maybe i was a fool for thinking i deserved love 

when i enjoyed starving myself of it

drawn to the chaos 

the lies and deceit 

only they would give me reason 

for why it must be impossible 

for anyone to love me

so i am a fool

but not by definition 

there is nothing silly 

about my life’s tainted rendition 

EMILY ROSE

someone once told me 

i’d never make everyone happy 

i clawed marks in my skin 

and stressed my brain til it quit on me

i became obsessed with controlling 

everyone and everything 

a broken record repeating 

again

and 

again

i wanted to be perfect 

i wanted to be good 

i was a fruit 

but i was rotten 

pretty on the outside 

but black within 

leaving sour tastes in people’s mouths 

because nothing about who i was 

was genuine 

never living in the moment 

always rushing to the next 

someone once wrote a song about that 

i think i’ve heard it on another one of my 

get better playlists 

i’ve torn myself apart until 

i feel like im nothing 

almost something 

but a concept 

not real 

not worth it 

but i just happen to be here

i just happen to exist 

maybe it was never about leaves falling off the trees 

because they’re dying 

maybe it’s the trees shedding pieces of themselves 

to become something new 

constantly evolving 

maybe i was looking through the wrong lense

maybe this is what it’s like to be human

EMILY ROSE

i am in an escape room

completely accustomed to me 

there is a door across the room 

but it’s locked shut with a code

that i cannot seem to crack 

there are no windows along these walls

a floor painted with dead flowers 

and a glass of water 

that i never seem to drink

there’s a timer ticking 

but im not sure for how long 

and i’m terrified it’s gonna run out

before i figure out the code

the walls are covered in old wallpaper 

that’s peeling on the sides 

and there’s a stack of poetry books on 

the bookshelf 

my grandfather made for me in the corner 

i recognize this room of course 

the pieces of it mean 

it’s all familiar but i can’t quite place it 

there’s four pictures hanging up tilted 

they look like me at all different ages 

i’m haunted by her innocence 

her childlike hope 

so much so i don’t realize 

that the room is getting cold

my fingers are turning blue 

and im beginning to shiver 

im searching for warmth

and the timer won’t stop ticking 

i still don’t know how to get out 

so i sit on the floor and i cry into my arms 

and on my wrist something is written 

the thing ive been searching for all along 

and i realize the code is 

10-56 

and the only way out 

was to decide not to live. 

EMILY ROSE

the world is being starved 

of essential nutrients 

needed to survive 

kindness 

goodness

and compassion 

we are being filtered through 

“fact checkers” 

and deceived by political leaders 

labeled by society as 

the woke generation

i grew up in a world where 

it was okay to call people slurs

that acceptance 

was a chore

and you were made to 

be seen not heard 

well i will not remain silent 

because my existence and beliefs 

overwhelm you 

i have been forced to hear them

fill the world 

with their “classy” religious agendas

but this is our call to action 

to fight for a peaceful revolution 

EMILY ROSE

i have been robbed.

somebody please help me 

i’ve been robbed of the 

life i deserve 

i’ve been forced to watch others get what i want

while in pursuit of someone else’s happiness 

always behind when im stuck comparing 

it’s a habit i’ve had for too long 

i want to leave an imprint of myself on the world

but i hardly what that looks like 

im shaped like this smudged blonde canvas 

with perfect lipstick 

and a crooked smile 

playing a role 

i never got casted to be

i didn’t think i’d make it to 18

and im convinced im not capable of achieving 

the goals i have for myself in this life 

i’m stuck doing things i never wanted to do

faded myself into who i thought i should be

and with no motivation left inside of me 

i go back to comparison 

holding onto the only thing ive ever known 

stability is found in the concrete version of others

it’s a thief

EMILY ROSE

my soul is bare

my skin is a mere 

presentation 

i am not defined 

by my physicalities

despite  

the effort i’ve put into them in the past 

i have never seen myself 

as a spirit-

but as a being

crafted by the divine 

or constructed by the universe 

shaped by my experiences 

into the core version of me 

comfort has been found in the reflection in the mirror

but when i looked within 

i realized there was something wrong 

something off i had missed when i was 

so concentrated on 

the physical 

i bare my soul to 

growth 

i give into the version of myself 

i’ve yet to meet 

here is where i will flourish 

the pinnacle of me. 

EMILY ROSE

i am to be strong during this time 

of uncertainty 

patient in the growing 

and committed to the best version of me 

a chapter is closing 

and a new one begins 

and this is the bravest 

i’ll have ever had to have been 

but this runs deeper than anything 

i’ve ever felt 

this might be the end of this chapter 

so i will close the door,

but i will never lock it 

wherever my heart goes 

you are always welcome 

we will find each other again in the future 

EMILY ROSE

pills and praying

sadness haunts me 

in the daytime

a smile and a sweater vest

people watching while 

curiously admiring 

what version of them 

i’m meeting

we are all moments in time 

frames and fragments 

of who we have the capacity to become

lunch with a friend

a study date for a young few 

an anniversary for a marriage 

or a creative outlet for someone like me

all in the same place 

and all at the same time

who will they be in 5 hours when the sun sets

how will we all be feeling 

i wish the people that met me knew 

we are all living the same different lives 

EMILY ROSE

i ate a bowl of cereal this morning 

and wondered why my brain is such a hard place to be 

why i was being followed by a darkness 

that my medicine helps me escape 

and if i miss a day 

it catches me 

and holds me in paralysis 

growth is exhausting 

living can’t be a short term high 

being content with oneself can’t be a 

concept

to encourage people to keep going 

death cannot be a short cut

that makes humans seem weak 

life cannot be a non negotiable 

if no one asked 

to be born into it 

i’m sick of being 

everyones flight risk 

everyone’s gut feeling 

that somethings going wrong 

break the cycle 

create the change 

hold onto the good things 

follow your heart 

your gut intuition 

pray

connect to something bigger then you 

if i was taking care of myself 

i’d put her out of her misery 

is it better to feel or to suffer 

to live, survive or die 

EMILY ROSE

I love you 

and I hate you 

i never asked to be this way 

people think it’s fascinating don’t they? 

to you i am weak 

but god you don’t even know me

i am choking on my own words

i’m the one trying to kill me 

i can’t miss my medication 

or the diagnosis will define me

is it for attention or do you mean it 

im overreacting 

it is never that deep

except you are a puddle of water and

i am an ocean 

does that analogy make sense 

or do i need to say it in a sick way 

i am a little bit too good at losing my footing 

i hate myself more than you could ever hate me 

EMILY ROSE

locking doors 

then opening them again 

i threw away the key 

hoping it would find me again 

i want you 

but i can’t need you 

i’m hungry 

and craving the support you can give me 

but i’ve convinced myself i’m allergic to

anything another person can feed me

i am defeated 

over and over again 

my brain is a cage 

a room where no one can enter 

for if you do you’ll never escape 

if you do it’ll be by 

your nails and teeth 

holding onto the hope 

that you could actually help me

i know i should let you in 

but i am scarred under my skin 

bruised by the others that came before you 

and ripped apart by the childhood i grew up with 

i know i should let you in 

but if you’ll stay 

that’s the trick question 

EMILY ROSE

i call this rebirth 

it’s like i’ve been re-rooted 

in my morals 

in my faith 

it’s like a fresh beginning 

and so i’ve sprouted up from the ground 

and pulled the roots from my surroundings 

i can finally run freely in the field 

that is my mind 

so you can find me where the flowers grow

and where the people are free to bloom 

this is the place of peace 

and how i love the view

 EMILY ROSE

it drains my eyes to stare at people all day, or maybe not stare

anaylze 

try to understand them.

I find myself creating a story about them, whether theyre predictable or hard to understand.

I see a girl who sits in the thrid seat, second row

she doesn't say much but she always wears long sleeved shirts and always covers her stoamch with a jacket. 

I see a boy who sits in the back of the class with a few friends

he wears a hoodie with a tshirt over and shorts almost every day.

I've made story's for these people, lives for them. 

i always wonder if they're real, 

my story’s i mean...

i can't disclose what I've learned about them because I'm afraid their clothes are only about two percent of who they are.

with love, my mind. 

EMILY ROSE

you told me i was a tether that kept you 

connected to the earth 

but you’ve spent the summer 

in the universe 

out among the stars 

and i’m afraid i’ve lost you to the galaxies

you’ve danced around the rings of saturn

and you blend in so well with the sky 

but my telescope is broken 

and i can’t keep up with the chase 

and somewhere in all this time

you drifted into outer space 

gone without my tether-

i didn’t think you’d go this far 

but maybe we’ve found a universe 

that isn’t ours

EMILY ROSE

but my mind wanders to different worlds where we’re together right now

and i think to myself 

are we in love in every universe 

are there two swans that found each other 

on the lake 

or two sunflowers that happened to grow

in the same space 

the weight of it all aches me at night

and i whisper to myself 

to please let this be a dream

i’ll wake up and you’ll be sleeping next to me 

but instead i’m patiently waiting 

and aimlessly creating  

a reality where you and i are together 

we’re basking in the sun

and i’m begging you to wear sunscreen 

we’re stargazing at night 

and i catch you staring amorously at me 

this is the world, the reality i crave 

instead you are hundreds of miles away 

but my heart exists in the folds of yours 

so i know that we exist 

in the universe that is ours 

EMILY ROSE

maybe you were just a kid

and maybe so was i

and maybe my naive mind was so in love

with the idea

that i could just continue to try

i was drowning myself in apologies 

to a person 

i no longer recognized 

i spent so much time analyzing you

and trying to understand 

how i could alter myself 

to fit you

but it left me feeling empty 

with the all consuming 

thought of

what the hell is wrong with me.

two people cannot possibly 

love each other 

but be so painfully wrong 

like a wound that never heals 

because our so called love 

ripped it open every chance that it had-

i was being devoured by the idea 

that i could help you 

but maybe i made it worse 

i just couldn’t ignore the pit in my stomach 

telling me something was wrong 

and maybe, just maybe 

the problem was us being in ‘love’ as a whole. 

EMILY ROSE

see for her 

i would walk through fire 

or drive myself mad

for my soul was completely fulfilled 

when my lips met hers

and a part of my heart has become 

intertwined with hers

the moment our eyes interlocked

the concept of loving her became the 

absolute air that i breathed 

and i was so absolutely in love. 

for this girl 

i would forever be whatever she needed

no matter what her heart desired

i would happily meet her 

wherever she required me  

for her i would rearrange the world. 

EMILY ROSE

i wait while they say goodbye 

and i watch as they struggle to leave 

the waiting room is dull

like most things in a hospital 

but i cant sit and wait for this time to pass 

so i pace back and forth

and soon i am offered coffee

this will not give me a solution to my 

once inevitable issue

but i don’t remember saying no 

one sip 

hot

my second sip 

warm

and third sip

cold

how long did i wait before i drank again

how long have i been here-

how long has he been gone.

seconds were minutes 

that turned into hours 

and then i left

my coffee cold and my heart just the same.

EMILY ROSE

i took up pages of time 

you needed to fill 

empty words 

and run on sentences 

with no intent 

almost like it meant

nothing 

so i ask myself that 

pivotal question

……was it nothing? 

see, to me you were a chapter and given a name 

and to you i was extra words 

that bled into the spine of your intentional life

i was a sequel that the world didn’t need 

an extra character we could’ve cut out

and to me

well, you were written into my book 

far before you ever called me 

your girlfriend 

so unlike my dysfunctional character placement in

your life 

you were important

and to you? 

i was filler paper

while you waited for 

her. 

-love, your darling emily

EMILY ROSE

my monsters weren’t found in my closet

or under my bed

they were found in the kitchen

and the living room

or the dining room instead 

they were the

years of resentment

and anger from my dad 

and the pleas from my mom

that it wasn’t getting bad 

and the quiet whisper 

of a cry for help

from my older but younger sister 

and i swore to her 

i’d fix it. 

but my nightlight was broken-

and my stuffed animal was lost 

and the boogeyman was all too real 

and i was just a kid.

see no one told me what to do

and so id just pretend

i wasn’t there, it wasn’t fair 

and they were all just 

my nightmares. 

EMILY ROSE

I kept parts of myself hidden away in that house

there was insulation

filling my lungs 

so I always ended up 

choking on my words

and having to bite my tongue

the floor was cracked

and my closet was glass

but I was a perfect example 

of the change that could never last

Like running away

just to be forced to come back

Tied to that house and cemented to the ground 

Built into the walls 

of this estranged unfamiliar house

And existing in the routines of everyone else

I became so invested in keeping it clean

tidying up everyone issues

while polishing up the sink

bleaching the floor 

consuming the chemicals 

coughing up concepts 

I learned to be a lie

Locking my door 

And trapping myself inside

Its a really clever way

To see things in my own light

I superglued pieces of people to try to keep them together

But I’m no handy man

And this was no project

This was at the end of the day

Just the home I grew up in. 

EMILY ROSE

fight

argue

rinse 

repeat 

it was like washing my hands 

it became so common 

although i could never quite 

clean off 

all the permanent scars you left 

i was rubbing off 

hateful words 

and scrubbing away at

emotional bonds 

we couldn’t quite let go

i spent endless conversations 

trying to convince you that 

there was still something worth fighting for 

but i grew tired 

of begging you to try 

when it would’ve been easier to just 

say goodbye 

but this time i washed my hands 

in bleach

and it finally all came clean 

my hands were raw 

my heart was too

but at least i’m finally done

trying to convince you.

EMILY ROSE

what is it about you 

that draws me in so deeply 

my curiosity completely takes over me

and my lips are suddenly 

expressing a feeling 

my words cannot begin to explain properly 

my heart didn’t see you coming 

why must you prove

i can still feel so deeply 

and how does it feel so right 

to be with you 

an innocent kiss 

but with you it was different 

i craved so much more of your heart 

i wanted to know pieces of you 

that you’ve only shared with a few others 

stolen kisses for too short goodbyes 

hidden moments just for you and in the dark 

you have touched my heart in a way 

i didn’t know anyone could anymore 

you make my heart capsize

and i hope that wasn’t goodbye. 

EMILY ROSE

wherever you are in this world 

we are connected 

i went on a date today 

it was no use 

yes, he was pleasant and sweet 

but the thought of your heart 

kept distracting my heart from listening to his 

so i sat there 

conversing with a woman to which 

i knew

i’d never make a connection with 

instead i went on these dates in search 

for the part of yourself you’d still never give to me 

but at the end of the day 

no man would understand the 

the way you do 

no woman would feel 

the way you do 

we are soul tied

and darling, it’s alright.

EMILY ROSE

the water is hot and the bathroom is cloudy

and i giggle as she pours shampoo on my hair 

im tracing her body with soap

and my vision goes blurry at the realization

i’m touching her without her clothes 

my own body has never been so in tune to

someone’s touch 

as she draws her thumb across my lip 

i lose my breath anticipating 

what might happen next

the gentle caress of her hand

down my chest feels like an adrenaline rush-

producing a feeling i can’t control-

forgetting my surroundings and just 

seeing her.

i’m stuck in this trance,

this lavender haze 

completely consumed 

by this tension we’ve made 

this burning desire that won’t go away 

until i’ve heard her

call me by my name 

my head is spinning and i’ve lost my thoughts 

and she is all i’m focused on. 

EMILY ROSE

in the same space Shakespeare wrote about 

love 

and Monet hand crafted 

intimacy 

i will find you there 

in a space between poetry and prose

where the lines are laced with 

longing 

there i’ll find our 

love at bay

speak to me with lily’s

and sing to me with roses 

i’ll become enveloped in 

the garden that is 

you 

years of poems and paintings 

begging to describe 

everything we get to feel 

so please

search for me in the 

perfect artistic frequency that is 

u and me

there our souls will find each other

and that will be love.

EMILY ROSE

if my love was a vice 

it would be gluttony 

it will swallow you whole 

and i fear it might scare you away 

i’m afraid it’s served as a five course meal 

covering all the love languages 

and finishing with a glass of wine 

enough to get you to believe that at least 

one of the ways i tried is right 

if you were craving a small snack 

you would be overwhelmed by the selection 

that comes with my affection 

and you’d quietly close the pantry

overwhelmed by the options

that is the love that

comes from me

you would be quick to make sure 

you’re hunger doesn’t turn to gluttony

because at the end of the day 

all you wanted was a taste 

and my love is a mouthful 

that you wouldn’t dare let go to waste 

EMILY ROSE

i feel like i’m being recycled  

i’m the soda you order 

when the one you want is out-

i’m the pairs of socks you pick

when your go to pair is dirty  

and i am the t shirt

at the back of your closet that you

don’t even wear 

but you won’t get rid of it 

because you swear,

it’s good for something. 

i’m the filler paper 

in everyone’s lives-

the subconscious 

passing of time

in the form of a human 

with bright blue eyes

and i’ve learned to be okay 

with just being 

agreeable 

in a constant state of 

go with the flow 

no opinion too strong 

just in a tasteful kind of way 

that way everyone has a chance to

agree with what i say 

but i am not a concept 

i am a real human being 

and i am not recycled 

there is only one 

me

and i cannot replicate or just fill time 

i want to be intentional in everyone’s lives.

EMILY ROSE

the feeling of nothing

not a thing

enjoying the thought of death 

like it’s a source of comfort 

but not forever

just spending a little too much time

drawn to the idea of being stuck in a coma

when will i feel again 

when my bones are shocked 

by the decay of my skin 

when my body gives out 

from getting up out of bed 

and the people around me try to 

help me come back to life 

like it’s still a switch i can flip

from being walking joy 

to completely numb

but somewhere between switching on and off 

my gears got stuck

and now i’m just

brain numb. 

EMILY ROSE

i’m walking on a plank

thousands of feet in the air 

and the board is cracked 

and just barely staying together 

someone could pull it from my feet

and i’d probably just fall forever 

i’d be inevitably accepting 

the stability of my life

that i bet it all

on an old piece of wood

and a hopeful idea

it’ll all be alright 

my cards are on the table 

but the hand i was dealt 

is so mundane

no exciting steady moves i get to try to play 

i’m just fighting to survive

the seven stressful days

tip toeing on my shaky board 

and waiting for it to break 

scraping along for the bare minimum success 

all to achieve the version of me i’ve created 

in everyone’s heads

nothing is really secure

nothing is really a break

so watch me as i walk

this rickety 

unstable plank. 

EMILY ROSE

i never liked silence 

people use the phrase 

you could hear a pen drop

but that is not silence 

silence is the unavoidable ringing of 

human nature 

it is when

there are

no words 

no sound 

to be said or muttered 

it is when you can hear 

the agony of others minds

and the complication of your own

silence is out of body 

it is the total loss 

of all five senses 

they are existing but barely functioning 

you can see the noise

but you cannot hear it

you can taste the salt

but you cannot feel it fall down your face

i’ve existed in silence once, maybe twice

have you?

 EMILY ROSE